Someone should decide for me

That's how I've felt all week. Because I apparently can't make a decision. I feel so pressured to and I'm not sure why but I still don't have a damn clue.
Every day I feel differently. I swear if I could feel the same 2 days in a row that would give me a sign that I was getting at least closer to a decision.
The biggest problem I'm facing these days is I have separation anxiety. Not so bad to the point that I can't leave the house but overnights freak me out. I've tried to have Bill stay somewhere else and I call him in the middle of the night and make him come home. I know this isn't a reason to stay with him because if it's really over then I will just have to deal with this.
Last night my friend Jerry came over and I showed him all the printouts of the stuff I found because I hadn't shown anyone that yet. It was a good thing for me to do. I needed to show someone.
Other than that I'm really working on figuring out a trial separation. I really need to do this for me to figure it out I just have to get over my anxiety about it. This weekend Bill and I are working out a plan and I am going to stick with it. Just hope that my teething child stops being a terror and starts sleeping better at night.
Oh, I also told Bill last night that if Quinn actually slept through the night I probably would have booted him out a long time ago. He's been getting up with her every night so at least for the most part I'm well rested right now.

This is where I rant for awhile

I strongly dislike both my mom and my mother in law lately. They both know what is going on and for 2 very different reasons I really can not stand them. I have no desire to see or talk to either of them.
My mom told me yesterday that if I continue to push Bill away he won't come back and that's not what I want and I need to start being nicer to him. Seriously? I am your daughter and you are supposed to support me. Not him. Thanks mom. She also proceeded to tell me how hard I'm sure he has been trying to fix this. Ok? So 3 weeks of trying to fix it negates years of lying? No way.
My MIL just keeps shoving us to do the things she thinks we need to do. Go to church on Sunday. Go to this marriage seminar. Go see this counselor. We will keep the baby for you. Ok, first of all I have explained many times that church is normally right smack dab in the middle of Quinn's nap time. And as much as I would like to go I am not waking up Quinn so I can deal with a beast child for the rest of the day.. I have no desire to go to this marriage seminar with a whole bunch of people from the church I already really don't like because of how judgmental they all act.
I am about ready to tell people either leave me alone or jump off a cliff. Whichever works for you.

It has been a busy week

I have been so motivated this week it's insane. I have cleaned more this week than I have in the last month which is awesome because my house looks great.

I think it's my way of focusing on something else for awhile. This weekend he and I are going out of town to try to re-connect. I'm still very unsure about the whole thing but I will try. I have decided that if after this weekend if I don't feel like we can re-connect any better than we have I want to separate for awhile. Just to think things through. I don't want to get a divorce as of right now. I've decided that. But some space might be nice. So we will see how things go. I'm nervous and excited about this weekend. I haven't been away from Quinn since she was born except last December for one night when I had a kidney infection and could not even get out of bed let alone take care of a baby. Plus since she doesn't sleep through the night yet a whole night sleep is going to be amazing.
We talk all the time now. Which is awesome because we are slowly rebuilding our friendship. I still don't trust him worth a damn but it makes me feel like maybe things can work. But I'm really good at compartmentalizing and I don't know if at some point there will be a huge blowout and I decide I'm done. Still taking baby steps which is working just fine for me these days.
I want to be a family but only with someone I can love and trust completely. If I decide I can't trust him any longer than we can't be a family.

Trying to figure out a plan

I spent this morning exploring my options as far as where would I go if I left. I started looking at apartments in the area.
How the hell does anyone afford this shit? I took a part time work at home job so I could be with my daughter more often but I have no idea how I would ever afford living on my own. If I decide to leave I will figure it out even if it means a roommate or something but seriously? How can I afford this?
I told him last night that we need to separate for a couple of weeks so I can figure things out now that the original shock has worn off. I'm terrified of being alone but I think it will be for the best for me to have that time. Tonight we will discuss logistics of all of it and he will leave.
Tonight is also our 2nd counseling meeting.

I was asked today why I stay

And that's a very fair question. The friend who asked me is also having some issues so she wondered what my motivation to stay was.
I have 3 main reasons for staying.
The first is security. Right now I have nowhere else to go. At least nowhere permanent. I'm not moving in with either of my parents or either of my grandparents. If I have to for a little while it's not the end of the world, but if I'm leaving I will know that within a few weeks I will have somewhere permanent for my daughter and I to live. It's something I would have to research more before I left this house. We have a routine here and I'm not willing to mess with that for my daughter's sake until I have a permanent place for us to find a new routine.
The second is because of Quinn. Because growing up my dad was barely around and I don't want her to go through that if this is actually something that we work through. I know if I stay permanently it can't be because of her, it has to be because I want to stay. But for now it's a major factor in this.
The third and biggest reason is because I can't erase the fact that we've known each other since we were 14 and been best friends for most of that time. We've known each other for 11 years. And most of that 11 years in one way or another was leading up to us being together and starting a family. Now our family is very broken and I did not do the breaking, but I need to figure out if I'm willing to put forth the effort to fix it before I leave for sure. I need to be at least mostly sure that leaving is what I want before I follow through. I don't want to make a mistake of my own and find out later I could have forgiven him and regret leaving him.

My tan line mocks me

I have a really nice tan this year. Last year I was pregnant and it was so hot and humid all summer that I didn't spend a whole lot of time outdoors. This year it's been hot but I want to show Quinn everything I can so we do a lot of stuff.
I have a tan line on my finger where my wedding ring was. I haven't worn it since Thursday. The tan line mocks me.
My GFF screen name mocked me but thankfully the awesome Mods there let me change that.

We've already been to a counseling session once. We have a second one setup. He is attending a sex addicts anonymous meeting tonight.
I'm pretty sure it's still not enough. I don't know if I can ever forgive him. Ever.
2 days ago I threw everything of his out on the driveway and smashed a few things. It was very satisfying. Very very satisfying.
I ripped our framed wedding invitation. I smashed the small statue thing that we bought on our honeymoon.

I feel very crazy these days. I'm up, I'm down. I'm happy, I'm sobbing. It's intense.
I've gone through just about every bad emotion you can come up with. I have no idea how I'm going to get past this. I have no idea how he and I will get past this.
Right now I'm taking care of Quinn and trying to take care of myself. I don't want to make a decision I will regret.

This is the beginning

Of my new life. I'm not sure where life is going to lead me from here but this is my way of letting things out and processing.
The best place to start is an explanation as to why I've created this blog so here it is. It's not pretty. But it's very real and it's my life now and I'm living it.
Thursday, when rocking my daughter Quinn to sleep I was browsing the internet on my Itouch and I frequent a website called GFF but the URL is fairly long. I knew I had been to the site 2 nights ago when I had put Quinn to bed so I had hoped by hitting the back button I could come across it instead of having to type it out. When I hit the back button the website that came up was ashleymadison.com. The banner on this page is "affairs guaranteed"
Now, I'm sure you can guess where my brain went. That bastard is cheating on me. I decided to call my sister and see what she thought of it. She agreed that I should confront him.
So, I did. And he claimed he created the account a long time ago and he was browsing a pornography site and saw an add for that website and wanted to see if it was still active. I believed him. It sounded plausible.
Until the next morning. I started investigating after he left for work. I managed to get into his secondary email account. I found emails from a woman who he solicited pictures for. I also created my own ashley madison accounts and there is no way the account could have been from that long ago because of the number sequencing.
He cheated. Not physically. But he had an online affair. He contacted this woman 3 different times. 2 of the times I was even home. Once I was sleeping and once I was in the shower.
Upon further investigation, I found 18 online profiles. All linked through this secondary email. They range from 2 years ago to now. The profiles became more and more specific for what he was looking for. They originally started as the wrong location and wrong information. As they evolved so did the personal details. They became more person specific and the last few profiles made had the correct location and correct details. Such as:
"married but looking for discreet fun"
"looking for someone who can bring some excitement to my life"
"looking for someone confident and sexy but tight lipped"
"I love spoiling my lover in ways she likes"
There's more but they are all along these lines. The location was correct and he had browsed profiles that were local. He "winked" at them (which is basically sending an online flirt).
I also found out that he spent money he had earned cutting his grandpa's grass to buy a premium subscription on ashleymadison.

I always thought that if I ever found out someone was cheating on me I would be gone in a second. The problem with that is I have a beautiful soon to be 9 month old daughter. It's such a complicated situation. I am so angry and hurt and just trying to go day by day at this point.
So this is my life now. I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm still alive and moving beyond my bed of depression is because of my beautiful daughter. She's my reason for living. She was before this but I feel so blessed to have her especially right now because she makes me smile and happy on a daily basis.